


penance

by ShanleenKinnJaskey



Series: Poetry [31]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Depression, Eating Disorders, F/F, Free Verse, Poetry, Post-Break Up, Purging, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-15
Updated: 2016-01-15
Packaged: 2018-05-14 03:38:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5728258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShanleenKinnJaskey/pseuds/ShanleenKinnJaskey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>her arms tremble<br/>as she finds himself hovering over the toilet<br/>puking again. </p><p>she can’t stop, it seems-<br/>she’s found herself here,<br/>kneeling on the cold bathroom tiles,<br/>every night since she returned from their breakup.</p>
            </blockquote>





	penance

her arms tremble  
as she finds himself hovering over the toilet  
puking again.

she can’t stop, it seems-  
she’s found herself here,  
kneeling on the cold bathroom tiles,  
every night since she returned from their breakup.

her hands shake in their positions  
holding onto either side of the porcelain bowl  
and she stares at the  
yellow and orange sludge at the  
bottom of the bowl  
before her throat convulses again  
and acid surges out of her mouth,  
landing with a harsh _splat_ against the   
white, formerly pristine toilet bowl.

(kind of like her life,  
in a way.)

she can practically feel the acid  
etching its way up her throat  
and over his teeth,  
and somehow that pain and damage feels good,  
almost like penance for what she’s done.

she remembers last year  
when she was bent over this same toilet  
and her girlfriend Jen had told her  
that she didn’t have to  
hurt  
herself like this,  
that she didn’t _want_  her to hurt herself like this.

well, she’s sure that if her Jen saw her now  
Jen would agree with  
her that she deserves this.

she sobs a little,  
remembering how comforting Jen had been,  
how the first time after they’d talked  
she had felt the need to vomit up her food,  
had felt the urge to make herself better,  
Jen had sat her down,  
hugged her,  
and called her beautiful.

(No more.)

she is not beautiful anymore.

(Was she ever?)

she is ugly,  
she can’t do anything right.

she can’t do anything except cause people pain  
(herself included).

worse than worthless, then.

she stares at the puke splattered across the bottom of the toilet bowl and sobs,  
cradling her face with her  
worthless, ugly hands.

everything hurts.  
every breath, every thought.  
everything makes her want to die.


End file.
